killedwithlove | For questionablewit

For questionablewit

If Hawke is going to make the mistake of hanging out on the battlements near the tavern, then she's going to have to live with the consequences.

Those consequences are silent observation, long, silent observation.

And then a question asked from nowhere, as Cole decides he needs to ask. "Why did Justice want to live in a body? Living in people isn't good for spirits."

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Hawke tilted her head. Merrill had always said that there was no difference between demons and spirits, not fundamentally; a point of view Justice found deeply offensive. Hawke herself subscribed to a lesser point of Merrill's: whatever else they were, they were all dangerous. Of course, who wasn't?

"You're real enough by my standards, if that helps," she offered. "Unless I had a lot more to drink last night than I remember and this is a really vivid hallucination, in which case, well done on the attention to detail. I could pinch you to be sure, if you like. I'm told that's a good way of telling."

There might be some difference between spirits and demons, though; she'd certainly never offered to pinch a demon, or thought to compliment its hat. Still, she imagined Cole knew more about the difference (if there was one) than she did. She just tried to stop the ones who wanted to do harm, whatever they happened to be. With mixed success, unfortunately. It was so much easier when they did just go "Grr! Argh!" and try to rip her in half; it made things wonderfully uncomplicated and straightforward. Life wasn't always or even usually so black and white, though.

The smile he gave her was certainly real, whatever else was or wasn't, and his enthusiasm actually drew a laugh. "Yes, I can tell. Looks like a good hat. Keeps the rain off, for one thing."

Justice may have found it offensive, but to Cole, it was simply a thing that was. Spirit and demon, they were simply creatures of the Fade, very different and influenced by the mortals of the world.

"I'm real now. But I'm not Cole. Not that Cole. I'm a spirit called Cole now, not Compassion, still real, just not mortal real. Please don't pinch me. Unless it would make you feel I'm more real."

Talking about his hat is clearly a preferred topic. Perhaps because no one else has ever actually liked his hat. "It's shady. And keeps my face dry. And... I just like it." No reason, no logic, just something he enjoyed. "Dorian doesn't like my hat."

She held up her hands in a gesture of surrender. "It's all right, I'll accept that you're real. No pinching required."

A spirit of Compassion. There was a surprisingly uncomfortable thought. You've buried it deep enough that you don't notice it as strongly now...

Hawke shook her head, forcing the words away again, though she suspected they'd come back to haunt her later on. Compassion was too like pity, and both of them burned her these days. Talking about hats was definitely a preferred subject. "Is Dorian the one who forgot to put on the rest of his shirt?" she asked dryly. "Because I'm not sure he gets the right to an opinion, in that case. Besides, it's your hat. I'm sure he'll survive disliking it."

"Dorian's an Altus from Tevinter. Blackwall thinks he uses blood magic to make his hair and moustache look good even when the weather is horrible, but that just makes Dorian laugh."

Cole studied his fingers. They were endlessly interesting, the way hands worked. "I don't mind if people don't like my hat. Or me."

"You can hear what people think about you, and still manage to not care? That's a good trick." Hawke would have said, once, that she didn't give a damn what people thought about her, and with a few exceptions it would have been true. "Hold on to that, it beats the alternative."

She tilted her head and leaned back against the wall, considering him. "So who was that Cole, then? The one you're not?"

"So long as I can help them feel better, it doesn't matter what they think of me."

He looked to her and then away. "An apostate. Pharamond called him a hedge mage. The templars called him an apostate. They hurt him and they locked him up and forgot him.

"I came to comfort him when he was dying."

Hawke grimaced. No horror stories of the Circles could surprise her anymore, but they were never pleasant to hear. If there was any good thing about what happened in Kirkwall, for Hawke, it's that Bethany was free of the Gallows.

"I'm sorry," she said, and meant it. "That can't have been fun for either of you. And then afterwards you stayed here, to do compassionate things for other people? How?"

Cole scrubbed his hands over his face, thinking and remembering and maybe trying to fill in the holes at once.

"When he died... he left through me. I couldn't help him, so I became him. And then I forgot who I was and what I was. When I remembered what I was, it was too late. I couldn't go back."

He couldn't go back. He didn't know if he wanted to, actually. "I help people. That's good. You help them too."

Hawke snorted. "I try to help people. Opinions vary as to whether or not that's a good thing. Some would say I've done more harm than good."

Which would be why she'd been lying low for the past few years since Kirkwall.

"Not to mention that all too often helping one person means hurting another. How do you balance that out?"

She was honestly curious. It was a situation she ran into frequently, and something she imagined a Fade spirit would find tricky.

"All you can do is your best.

"I don't try to make big differences. I don't understand them. I just... try to stop people hurting other people. Like Lord Seeker Lambert. He liked hurting people. He liked making templars hurt mages. He used power and rules to protect himself. So I killed him, to stop him."

He hummed and rocked again. "I try to stop hurt. I don't usually have to hurt someone to help. A drink, a song from childhood, someone to tell them it wasn't their fault. And when I do have to stop people, I try to make it fast. Painless."

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For questionablewit

I know they are, but she's in denial. ;)

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Baby achieved! Sorry about all that delay.

Congratulations on your unlocked achievement!

Thank you! Now if only I can unlock the "...and also sleep!" achievement.

I have bad news... I took seven years to sleep through the night...

Actually she's doing pretty well for a three-month-old! Phew.

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